The first Mother’s Day without her

The first Mother’s Day without her is not like any other day of grieving. It is a date marked on the calendar, the advertising has been announcing it for weeks and everyone around you is celebrating. There is no way for it to go unnoticed.

The first thing worth knowing is that there is no correct way to get through it. Some people need to gather the family and talk about her all afternoon, and some need that Sunday to end as soon as possible. Both are fine.

Decide in advance what you will do

The hardest part is usually not the day itself: it is the days before, seeing the adverts and hearing other people’s plans. It helps to decide ahead of time what that date will look like, even if the plan is to do nothing.

It also helps to say so. A short message to the family explaining what works for you and what does not saves awkward invitations and explanations on the day.

Ways to remember her that day

These are ideas that work, and none of them needs a ceremony or any money:

• Cook her favourite meal. It is the one people come back to most, because the smell brings the whole memory with it.
• Plant a tree or one of her plants. It leaves something to look after for the rest of the year.
• Watch her favourite film, even the one that always bored you.
• Make a memory quilt or a memory box from her things. It is a long task, and on that day that helps.
• Record a video with the family, each person telling one story about her. It is worth far more than it seems a few years later.
• Support a cause she cared about, or do something for someone in her name.

When the family has both living and absent mothers

This is the most awkward situation and the most common one. Someone wants to celebrate and someone wants to cry, and both happen at the same table.

What usually settles it is naming her out loud at the start, once, calmly. A toast or a single sentence. After that the meal carries on without everyone straining to avoid the subject.

If the loss is recent and you want to understand why these dates hit so hard, we have written about what to do on the anniversary of a loved one’s death.